On Imposter Syndrome: The Writer I Am vs The Writer I Aspire To Be
renewing your commitment to work & staying consistent
Hello writerly peeps,
I hope you’re well and writing has been going well too. And I hope you’re keeping in mind that your ‘well’ may look different to mine.
I recently attended a workshop on building a practice which incorporates rest as a way of life, as opposed to something you rush to find time for when you’re on the brink of burnout. One of the exercises we completed involved imagining what an ideal rest space would look like for us and writing down the details including: sounds, smells, feelings etc.
At the end of the exercise, we were invited to explore some of the things on our list which we can already begin to incorporate in our environment.
For example, if you’re someone who would love the sounds of birds, you could spend a few minutes each morning listening to this on YouTube. While it’s not the ideal situation, it allows you to begin to create a space that helps you thrive.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot in terms of writing, particularly around the several ways procrastination rears its ugly head. Sometimes, we want the right book, the right software, the right pen, the ideal room, but for one reason or another, we are unable to attain that.
How can we build an environment that allows us to write in spite of this?
I started working on the new draft of my adult novel back in December and just before I fell ill around boxing day, I got stuck. Throughout January, I didn’t get a chance to work on it, but I didn’t sweat it because distance away from a book or story always gives me clarity. However, when I finally sat down to work on the book, I struggled. This made me wonder if there was a story in the book after all – and perhaps whatever story there is, is only for me and no one else.
I’ve been working on this book since 2017 (on & off due to other responsibilities), and the current draft I’m writing is the fifth one. All through the drafts, I’ve shared the book with a few friends who gave good feedback (+ critique) and commented that it was a book they’d certainly pick up in a bookstore. I’ve also received other positive feedback from people in the industry who have read excerpts of it. But none of these came to mind as I sat in front of my laptop trying to breakthrough a chapter.
Just two months before this, I’d just arrived at the point of accepting that although there are several writers I admire and wish I could write like, usually because of a particular strength they had, it didn’t benefit me to compare my writing to theirs or try to write like them. A couple of these writers for me are: Taiye Selasi, Arundhati Roy and James Baldwin. What is important is that I recognise my weaknesses in writing and learn from these writers the ways in which I could tackle them, particularly during redrafting and editing stages.
So, instead of striving to be the next Selasi or Baldwin, I take what I like from their work, and figure out how I can incorporate it into my personal style.
For example, I love the way James Baldwin writes about relationships - both platonic and romantic. So, I ask – what is it about the way he writes that moves me? What decisions has he made as a writer that draws me to the prose? What elements of craft has he prioritised over others? How does he use dialogue or description to enhance his story? From figuring out the answer to these questions, I can go back to my story and try to implement his approach, without forcing my story to sound like his work.
George Saunders, 2017 Booker Prize Winner, also addresses this briefly in his book, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain. He shares that when he started writing, he wanted to write short, crisp sentences like Hemingway, but the stories never felt like him. This went on for a few years, and he didn’t get far with his writing. One day, while at work, he drew a sketch accompanied with prose – it felt natural, effortless and he enjoyed the writing process. He continued working on the sketches, and eventually came to the realisation that while he would never write like Hemingway, he could focus on honing his craft to suit his writing style, and that’s just what he did.
After going through my bouts of negative thoughts around my book, I picked up my phone, called one of my dearest friends, and said, ‘I’ve been stuck with my novel for a while. Maybe there’s no point in it. Is there even a story here?’
She laughed, and said, ‘What do you mean?’
I talked about my struggles with getting through this chapter, reading over the story and wondering if anyone would care, and much more.
She shared her thoughts on the most recent excerpt of my book she’d read, then reminded me of a couple of books which had similar themes and style. ‘There’s room for the book in the market,’ she said. ‘People want to read this.’
Our conversation put me at ease, but also got me thinking about several obstacles minoritised ethnicity writers face, particularly in the unpublished phase. In a world where one Black story or one Muslim story seems to be enough – according to some publishers – it can become easy to think your story doesn’t matter, which is quite the contrary. Within this, due to the subjective nature of writing and the hurdles and hoops one has to jump to be published or recognised, doubt also creeps in.
One of the ways I manage to get around this is creating a Writer Mission Statement where I document all the reasons why I write, including my mantra: ‘I live to write, and I write to live’.
This keeps me grounded whenever I hit a wall, and helps me renew my commitment to my work. Rather than act from a place of fear, I try to identify what my struggle or difficulty is and figure out ways to work through it. And when writing just isn’t happening, I take some time away from it – either by not writing at all, or switching to a different project.
What keeps you grounded when writing doesn’t seem to be working out?
⚡️Opportunities
Fitzcarraldo Editions Essay Prize: Are you a budding non-fiction / essay writer? For a £3000 cash prize, a residency in Italy to write your book and publishing opportunity, submit a book proposal (5000 words max) and a writing sample (optional - 5000 words max) to essayprize@fitzcarraldoeditions.com by 13th March 2023
OxBelly Writers Retreat: Everything paid for retreat in Greece from June 3-11, for emerging writers and poets! Deadline: 28th February 2023
If you found this beneficial at all, please shout about it to your family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances!
Till next Friday,
Suad
This was so real. I felt and connected with this in my heart. I understand the challenges and I wish you the resilience to overcome them.