Why I'm abandoning my writing project of six years
A very long essay on my writing life so far (lots of struggles here) and where I'm headed next | This is an 8-minute read.
Hello and Salam alaykum friends šš¾,
Iāve been praying to God for inspiration on what to write in my newsletter for a while now, and here I am faced with several struggles and tough decisions. They say when you pray for something you have to be prepared to do what it takes to attain it āĀ so here I am, trying to do just that.
For the past few weeks or possibly longer, Iāve been asking God for clarity in my writing journey, and I think Iām getting there albeit through a long, sometimes heartbreaking, process. Iām having to rediscover why I write because some of the reasons that held a couple of years ago no longer resonate, and I need to tell myself a new, healthier story.
Writing is my safe space, so I hope you can imagine my shock and pain, when all the feelings I associated with writing didnāt show up when I sat down to write. I can put out words, but the feeling is absent and writing without feeling is untrue for me. And while it can be easy to simply get on with it ā after all I have several projects I could be working on ā Iām allowing myself to take a step back and truly fall in love with the process again.
Part of my decision-making process has involved evaluating all of the projects Iām currently working on and where my emotions are in terms of continuing working on them. I remember months ago reading an article about an authorās debut being their eighth book, and I thought to myself, āNo, that canāt be me.ā But Iāve come to realise that some books are there to teach you particular things and thatās okay.
Iāve been sitting with my adult novel, my agentās feedback on it and some of the new ideas Iāve come up with to redraft the story, for a while now. While I was writing the most recent draft of the book (which my agent read), the writing wasnāt an enjoyable process (itās easier to admit this now after so much time has passed) and sometimes it felt forced, but I simply wanted to get to the end. Yet even as I finished and read it over again, I knew Iād have to make radical changes for this to become a book that I loved.
As much as I told myself itād be nice to hear my agentās thoughts and feedback, I also secretly and honestly thought I could wing it.
The irony of this is, with the kind of prayers I make regarding my writing and my work, and the kind of person that I am, thereās no way I wouldāve been comfortable putting mediocre work out in the world. So, I wouldāve had to call myself out sooner or later, and Iām so happy itās happening this early in the process.
Is it disheartening? Yes.
Is it painful to admit? Yes.
But I canāt think of anything better than admitting this to myself. It feels so freeing; I feel so light. Perhaps my block comes partly from having forced a story I no longer believed in.
Iām abandoning my adult novel, but perhaps not entirely. The characters are still very real to me. However, if Iām to write anything about or featuring them, it has to be a new story, it has to be a story thatās true to them.
Does this mean that the past six years working on this novel has been a waste?
Absolutely not. If I never write this new novel with these characters, Iāll still always be super thankful for the current version of it. Before starting my Masters, a lot of my writing knowledge has been self-taught and mostly through this novel. With this book, I learned to write an entire novel in past tense, in present tense, in third & first person, in dual first person narrative. I worked with multiple protagonists and they held a pretty substantial story even though it also had its holes.
There are people who have read this and loved it, so while itās not the book and while itās not phenomenal, itās been one of my greatest writing teachers. And I couldnāt have had a better teacher.
I would be lying if I said this decision is easy. But I would be doing myself a disservice if I failed to face and accept it for what it is. Writing brings me joy and I want to feel that joy again, but I recognise that the journey may require letting go of things which no longer serve me.
I remember speaking to one of my professors in the early days of my course and she asked what I was working on, so I gave her this long story about my novel. She said, āSuad, set that project aside and write something new. Something fresh.ā I was taken aback, my chest tightened ready to jump into defence of this work Iād put my blood, sweat, tears and life into. How dare she?! But I bit my tongue and nodded, yes, though I didnāt completely get it. But now it makes sense. I see now what she saw then, and Iām excited for the freedom to create new things.
Since starting my Masters, Iāve written for assignments and started new things not completely knowing where they were headed. Now I feel like Iām entering my play era, finally giving myself time to experiment. Iād taken the craft too seriously, it sucked the joy out of it. Of course, writing is my life and I dedicate time to it, and it is a serious affair. But play during the process needs to be at the centre of my work if Iām to write something thatās true. I need to stop rushing to think of the outcome to avoid robbing myself of the present moment. Iāve been thinking far too quickly about getting to the end that I havenāt given myself time to simply enjoy writing.
It certainly was fun in the beginning, but I think at some point I got so caught up in wanting it to work out just right, in a certain way, that I forgot to stop and smell the roses.
I spoke to a fellow writer about some of writing my struggles and she suggested resting, giving myself grace among other things. But the one thing Iāve been sitting with for a while now is the grace part.
I suck at giving myself grace. Iām my own biggest critic. A friend wondered why I wasnāt so competitive when we went axe-throwing, and I realised itās because Iām always in competition with myself, so when I have no reason to compete (when there are no stakes that matter to me), I give myself the freedom to simply be.
Now, Iām trying to channel this more towards the things which matter to me. While Iām no longer afraid of failure, I also barely ever pause to acknowledge my wins. I give thanks to God as always, and then I move on to the next thing. I never stop to sit with myself and bask in my success. Bask in the fact that I put in the work. Of course, the outcome is from God, I never deny that. But I also never congratulate myself or give myself a pat on the back for showing up, for being resilient, for not giving up, for trying when everything fails, for believing in myself and trusting myself when no one else could see what I saw. When no one else could understand why I was still willing to die on that hill.
Last month marked two years since I left everything in Berlin to commit to my writing first and foremost. I had no concrete plan, but I was certain it was high-time I stopped putting my writing on the back burner. Whatever job I was going to undertake would bolster, not take away from, my ability to dedicate time to my writing, and the moment that became the case, I had to figure out a new way. Alhamdulillah, I have a job I enjoy and most importantly one which affords me the freedom to put my writing front and centre.
So now, I have a sole focus. To rekindle/reignite all of the love I have for writing, the joy I feel when writing, the sense of discovery that leaves me wanting to know more about the world, about people, and therefore want to bear witness to their stories. I want to write the truth and only the truth, and this means not lying to myself when this will be easier to do. This means giving myself grace when things donāt go as I expect, this means trusting myself more and trusting that it will work out in the end somehow.
Dear friends, I hope you find joy in your own writing. Iād love to hear what you do when you struggle to create:
ā”ļøCreative OpportunitiesĀ
Calling all short story writers, essayists and poets, here are a few submission and competition opportunities
WAYF Journal: Currently accepting submissions for our Autumn issue (short stories, poetry, narrative non-fiction, visual arts) | Deadline: 30th June 2023
Viragoās short story competition with Hachette UK | Deadline: 1st July 2023
4th Estate short story prize 2023 | Deadline: 2nd July 2023
Queen Mary Wasafiri New Writing Prize (fiction, life writing and poetry) | Deadline: 30th June 2023
š Books Iām currently enjoying
Another Brooklyn by Jacqueline Woodson
Black Skin White Masks by Frantz Fanon
In Search of Equilibrium by Theresa Lola
Ordinary Notes by Christina Sharpe
If you found this beneficial at all, please shout about it to your family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances!
Till next time,
Suad x
Thank you for being brave and sharing this! The number of times Iāve heard/read that an author has abandoned their 80,000 word project to move on to something beautiful and new - and Iām still thinking, no way, how am I supposed to come up with another 80,000 again?! You are right - all of it is a learning journey, about the self, about the self and God, and trust that our direction is always to something true and good.
Omg is this Bisi and Bola's book?